If I were thrown into a tank full of sharks with 10 other people,
I'd be the first taken down.
Not for the fullness factor,
But for the bittersweet scent I exude.
Limb by limb, they'll discover they
made a horrible choice.
But I won't mind.

this is an update on my life... mainly so i don't forget, i don't think anyone reads my journal but me! :-D
-My team of doctors diagnosed me with the "A" word. I really don't like saying it or thinking about it being written in ink on my chart.
-School starts in 3 days.
-I'm now majoring in Psychology and I'm really excited about my classes this fall.
-I moved in with my boyfriend.
-I'm trying Not to lose weight, it is hard.
-I stopped weighing myself 10 times a day.
-I got off of my anti-depressant and I'm feeling good about it.
-I got a new phone.
-I got my nose pierced
-And other lame things.
-I got HUGE implants.

-Not really.

And here are some recent pictures

6 DOZEN roses from my boyfriend!

bathing my cat

my grandma's yard got forked

at a fair

on the roof of a tall building

outdoors

I love my boyfriend so much. He is 25 and I'm 21. We've been in a relationship for 2 and a half years.
We weren't getting along well last night, so we decided to cheer each other up. We took a bubble bath in the dark with 3 candles while listening to music. We stayed in there for about 30 minutes.
I can't say what we did after that, but it was great.
Then he gave me a massage. Then we went to bed with our bare backs touching, like we do most nights.
It was the best night I've had in a long time.

ooooooooohhhhhhhh love.

So my boyfriend Ryan is getting ready to leave for 4 days to go to a music festival. We currently aren't getting along. My mind is too absorbed with myself. I really hate it.
This is a message I sent him via Facebook:

i feel like you are tired of me.
you don't want to deal with me.
i'm useless, really.
i want to snap my fingers and go somewhere alone and far away. dead or alive, i don't really care.
i don't please you enough
i'm really not pretty.
my arm pits stink.
my hair is awful.
i hate my abnormal rib.
i'm glad you like my boobs and butt.
i wish i was happier.
i love you alot, i just don't know how to show it.
i'm fucking depressed.
let me enjoy my warped mind, i know it is annoying but it's the least you can do.
i suck at everything... except your dick.
my mind travels to distant places, searching for happiness... when it returns it's that much more miserable.
maybe i don't deserve you?
maybe i should pull my mom out of her marriage and just be with her.
i love my cat. she never hurts me (well, not emotionally)
i'm pathetic
i really don't think my self esteem is that low... but i suppose it may be.
i hate crying.
i hate eating greasy food.
i don't want "fat heather" back.
i enjoy being like an old woman and sitting around watching wheel of fortune and cleaning.
i hate being alone, but i also hate being around lots of people.
i like doing laundry, even yours.
i really wish i didn't eat the burger today.
i'm fucked.


His response:

i told you how i feel. it made me cry. i feel lonely. i feel i have to be strong enough for both of us, when i really just want you to hold me and make me feel better. i don't know what to do.

you're not pathetic, i love your rib, but i could really care less about how you look. i loved heather 128 and i love heather 107.7. it doesn't really matter.

i don't like eating greasy food either. i could just keep eating subway and salads, that's fine with me. i feel horrible and unattractive. there was a short period of time that i felt ok, but you wanted nothing to do with me. hopefully it will come back.

i say i want you to touch me, but i really don't. i feel awful right now.

i'm not sick of you but i'm trying to disconnect from you a little so i don't feel let down.

i love your stinky armpits.

i love your hair.

you really are pretty.


i love you.

So I work and work and work, then I get off work and just want to go back. My life is so drab at the moment.
I wish friends fell from the sky. :-\

Current Location: home, as usual.

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